Funny Ole Lady from I am a Dirty Immigrant

My mother-in-law had a classic reaction, but before I describe her reaction, let me say that this woman was the most spiritual Christian I ever met. She was one of the few people who sincerely tried to make me feel like I was part of the family. The first time she saw a picture of me, she grabbed her chest and proceeded to perform the best Fred Sanford impersonation an old white woman could do. In my head I heard Red Fox’s raspy voice coming from the little white lady saying, “This is the big one baby.” Two hours later she invited me to their Thanksgiving dinner. That woman loved to hug, which was strange for me because my family was not the hugging type. She would squeeze so hard I felt my bones pop and crack. She had long gray hair that came to her waist, dark eyes and she was constantly telling stories about her life. The first night I slept at her house, she did something that scared me shitless. It was about 4am and I was fast asleep when I heard the wooden floor creak, so I opened my eyes. Her silhouette floated into the room and stopped at the foot of the bed, her long hair swaying gently as she stood. I tensed up; hell, I was ready to be whacked over the head. After a few seconds, she squeezed my toes, turned and walked out of the room. Later my ex-wife told me that that was something she did. It was a loving gesture, and whenever I stayed at her house, I would be woken by the creaking of the floor as she came in to squeeze our toes.

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